It's been a while.

I know, I know. I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to gather material for updates!!!

Oh dear.

Still no word from T, has been almost a month. I don't want to contact him. I would like to know how he is going, but I don't wanna reach out first. Oh well.

ACTUALLY! I do have an update. A nice guy came up to me the other night after a social event and said how wonderful I was at said event and how he really enjoyed the night... He shook my hand, for longer then usual, we spoke, then I introduced myself, and we shook hands again, longer still... He was very attractive, and I babbled like an idiot. Worse still, I cannot remember his name. I wonder if I can track him down just from those beautiful dimples?

xx.

Hello there strangers.

I know it's been a while, but, I have been soooo busy... Anyone who knows me would know why... Everyone else, just try and be sympathetic lol...

Updates, not seeing any boys, not interested in any, not going anywhere with anyone... Still intouch with D&P however.

Ummm, T is probably back from Perth by now. Dunno if he is... He didn't message me when he got there like he said. He hasn't contacted me in any form, not since those texts 2 weeks ago 2morro.

All my memories of him now seem like they happened to someone else. It is good. The distance is good. I have focused my attention in separating my present with the past... put all the clothes he gave me etc away untill I feel good about them again... Chopped up the jeans he bought me into shorts... Which is awesome, because they look great, and are now new and fresh, like my outlook. Also, I just deleted him from MSN, and! changed his name in my phone from his real name to just "T". Another great distancing tool in my opinion.

I am working a new poem... It is coming along nicely.

Till next time; W, x.

Bad Start. Funny 'Ha Ha' End.

So, I dreamt about T last night. That he was sending me photos and saying he wished I was there with him and that he wanted me, even though he was still with NGF.

It was one of those days where I just wanted to be washed away.

Anyway, after enjoying some Desperate Housewives, I was toey.

I started looking for a man. I found one. Looked at him on webcam... Quite attractive, nice dick.
He came to my usual spot where I meet my guys, he gets out of his car, he is about 5ft tall with quite a high voice. I was like "Saaaaaaaaaay Whhhaaaaaaaaa?" I thought it was the woman from a nearby house at first.

I was suddenly not open to the idea. I don't have anything against short people or anything, but the voice, if I heard it moaning or something, I would have been VERY turned off.

So I politely said "To tell you the truth mate... I had Indian for dinner, so I don't think that anything anal would be the best idea... But I am happy if you wanna jerk off together or something."

Then a guy walks past with his dog, and a family nearby came home. So I said "Wow, busy tonight." And he was like "Yeah, maybe we should do it another night?" And I am like, "Ok! Have A Good One."

I then went to my friend Rocky Balboaette's to get some books, which is the "reason" I was out.
She wasn't there!!! (I know now she was in the shower.) So I was left stranded without an alibi, so I bailed to Paisley's and got some of her books. Thank God.

Now I am back home. Sigh.

Till next time, W, x.

Dreams are so good. But sometimes so annoying.

A Change.

I am making and taking my own advice this week. I have worked myself into an unnecessary funk over this whole situation. I have been parading around in my exquisite sadness, riveted to my 'tragedy'. But, I don't have a patent on grief and I didn't invent pain. So, I am going to get myself out of it. And, apparently, no one takes notice of the person who wallows in self pity... You have to be confident it seems.

My advice being,
"Time heals all wounds. You will move on. Love what you have, smile about what you had. It will all work out."

I have written it on my mirror in some form of affirmation. I intend to read it every time I glance at it. Lets see how that goes for a few days... I actually do feel a bit lighter already.

PS, Did someone say its time to start working out again? Lose that relationship weight? And then the Break-up weight?

Will keep status updates on that, and as a reminder of how hard I originally worked, I will chart to you my weight loss journey of last year.

Oh my, I live in a chick flick.

Spoke to T on Saturday.

On the phone.

General chit chat and such... Then he mentioned his upcoming trip to Perth (I had forgotten about it) I asked if NGF would miss him... He said he wasn't sure...

I asked what was going on with them... He said they're seeing a fair bit of each other but are not together and isn't sure where they stand.

Conversation:
W: Oh ok... fair enough... she been staying over and that?
T: Yeah, a couple of times.
W: Cool, Fucked her yet?
T: haha, no.
W: What are you letting her stay over for if your not rooting her man?
T: Haha, I dunno.
W: You done anything?
T: Yeah, shes sucked my dick a bit.

Gah! Why did I ask? It's enivitable, and I am doing that kind of thing too and don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly hypocritical about getting upset by it... But if just kinda pulls at my heart strings, literally.

Briefly after that, I announced I had to go and finish some assignments. We bid farewell. On good terms.

I messaged him. "Your still one of my best mates, remember that."

His reply: "I know."

We texted a bit, he said "I do think about you. But I am moving on. We had some great times together and I will never forget them."

"I am genuinely very happy for you. :)... But I am sad we are not happy together. :(" Was my reply.

"Thankyou for being happy for me."

And it's true, I am happy that he is happy. But I am unhappy that we couldn't be happy together.

I think what is hurting is that he has some woman:

• in the bed that I tenderly made everyday,
• in the sheets that I picked out (because they matched the carpet),
• admiring the plant I bought, transplanted and taught him to care for,
• playing with the cushions I bought to ease the nasty colour of his couch,
• walking around the house that I made a home by decorating it for him,
• being cooked the meals that we once reserved for romantic nights with me,
• watching him get ready for work in the morning, then lying in the bed we spent days together in,
• using the makeshift bedside table i made on myside of the bed,
• doing the washing I did numourous times,
• cleaning and taking care of his space,
• showering in the shower I cleaned and made love in,
• using the things I bought for him, appliances, bath mats, towels, shampoo's, dvds.

That must be it... Like this was my home too for a fair time. He said it himself: "I rented it as a house... But you made it a home. It's our home." And it was, we would get up, make breakfast and watch a movie while having it, then shower, clean the house, then make love and go out for lunch, come home, nap, then we would rent movies, pull out the sofa watch them and usually have sex somewhere in the middle. It was OUR home. I cleaned it while he was at work then he would come home and cook me a fabulous dinner and we would have an enviable night in. I loved my time there with him, and now its not my time anymore, its not my home anymore, its not my life anymore...

However, for future refernce NGF - Those ARE my cum stains on the floor and the beautiful doona cover that I so lovingly suggested T purchase.

Last night, went out with friends, took 5555 with me. He was a nice guy, but not my type... I flirted, no reciprocation, so, blergh, whatever, He's just not that into you, and shit.

What else is going on?

I am thinking of seeing D&P tonight after work and party. Dunno if I will.

I messaged T the other day, no reply. Sigh.

Aw well, I am getting over it, really I am... But, I dunno, its odd why I can't move on. I can see now, in heinsight, after a certain point, our relationship wasn't that great. There was great qualities, but overall. All his lies and decptions and shit that all fucking blew up in my face and broke me. WHY CAN'T I GET OVER SOMETHING THAT HURT ME SO BAD?!?!!?

Ergh... I dunno. I just dunno.

Might write some 'poetry' sometime soon. Just for you.

In other news, bought some amazing shoes. Gah, brilliance.

Update on said working Acadamic Pursuit...
Paisley and I got fed up of the way they were treating us... So we bailed and I wrote an angry letter.

GG...
Is acting normal, as if the other night didn't happen.

L...
Haven't heard from him.

T...
Texted him yesterday, asking if he passed an assignment he failed the first time he tried. No reply. Sigh. So much for 'friends'. I wish we still could be friends... But maybe it is just easier eliminating him from my life all together... Gah!!!

In other news, I got the most amazing Jacket. It is awesome... And I am wearing it to a pimps and ho's party on Saturday night... I am going as a Ho... For obvious reasons.

Till next time, W, x.

Ok... Update.

1. Spoke to T yesterday. I had to speak to him about how my mother is acting... He always had a good point of view on how to handle her. Still hanging out with NGF occasionally, but they, according to him are not an item... I am inclined to believe him for a change...We generally chit chatted... It took me a while to get a hold of him! Tears streaked my face as I spoke to him... It wasn't crying, there was no laboured breathing, no lump in my throat... Just tear stained cheeks and jawline.

2. Still haven't spoken to ER.

3. Make general nicenesses with Smiley every so often.

4. D&P&Me are still speaking every few days, and are waiting for an appropriate time to meet.

5. Gymbo (Named such because of his profession.) He is young, earns a good income, can get me a free full gym membership, enjoys a good time, generous and has an appreciation for art. However, I really do think he is not my type. He is a bit too over the top party boy for me... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a night out occasionally, be he is a 'rent-a-hotel-every-weekend-in-Sydney' kinda gay... And I don't do that... And would feel bad asking him not to participate in such an activity, if our relationship evolved. Also, he is a bit to.. Uh, for lack of a better term "Un manly" for me to see myself with. (I like Blokes!) We are currently both working in the same shopping complex for the week. I suggested I drop in and we break in his new office... Hmmm, Hello Blog Update ;).

6. My anger and frustration the other day was towards my mother. She accused me of something or another... Heated discussion followed then yelling and futher were swapped. Whatever, we're over it now... But I don't drop a grudge quickly. She has little man syndrome.

7. GG was going to come out with my friends and I the other night... But, first we ran out of seats in the car to pic him up and then second, we decided to meet near his house, but the café we were going to go to has sinced closed down. He got quite angry. I find him frustrating at times. The way he speaks to people and the way he runs around with banter and his brief anger and such... Anyway, today he was all "I'm gonna come visit soon.. I'll catch a bus over." And was texting me all the time... Don't get me wrong, it was HIGHLY flattering, but he rang me, and just ticked me off, I expressed how I felt about his annoyingly neurotic, dominant conversational skills - probably not in the best manner. Then I just said "Well, I have to go now, Goodbye." and hung up... I then got online, and basically ignored him (I said one sentence) untill he went offline. I just sent him a message... "Goodnight." My, metaphorical white flag... I expect something cryptic back... Oh here is the reply... it reads: "Atleast for you it will be." TOLD YOU! Cryptic!! I am replying with, "What do you mean?"

He also questioned me earlier tonight whether I didn't like him as much since the other night... I replied I didn't feel different, but I do think that, subconciously at least, I do. Mainly because I saw a side of him that I was FULL NOT down with.

8. My friend L, mentioned in blog numero uno, has been ignoring me since the 26th of January. We were meant to go out to lunch on the 28th. I do not understand why he stopped contacting me. I have tried to make contact... Texts, myspace, facebook, phone calls, msn. I know he has read the messages on Myspace (it gives you a notice nowdays.)... Hmmm, Actually, I sent him a text about a concert I thought he would be attending that I am also going to, he replied that he would be going and was sorry about the silence... That was... I dunno, sometime in mid Feb. Only thing I have heard from him. He was completely polite about it. I have no idea what has happened. Our friendship was stronger then ever at the time and we (both had) discussed the possibility of a relationship (together). Hmmm, I dunno, shall keep you posted.

9. Nintendo... Saw him the other day. He struck up conversation. I couldn't make out whether he was being polite or was sussing me out... Hopefully the former. Although, he (surprisingly) looked better than usual. Don't get me wrong, I delve deeper than looks, I dig a wicked personality... But, I am not overly fond of his. Or his humour, demeanor etc.

10. I am currently working 9-5 as an academic persuit. I am not getting paid for it and I really dislike most of the population of the store. They are rude, unsociable, unwelcoming and possess a slack work ethic. (Except for a couple I met... One is a GREAT worker. I really enjoy his company. He has a wife and 2 kids and thats hell cute.)... The manager that showed me and Paisley (who is also doing said persuit) around is the BIGGEST fairy I have ever met. He strutted around, little finger turned out, rings littered around just below his nuckles, he patted, PATTED, one of the female staff on the head. (I will call this girl "The Scowling Girl" because thats all the bitch did.) He is also balding with an awkward blond faux hawke with brown regrowth, some form of ethnic background. (Taking the time now to say, I am not against people of different races, religions, beliefs of genders, I am simply giving further description so as you can gather an idea of his complexsion, hair density etc.) I shall name said manager "BossFairy", because he, well, is.

I said to Paisley (after observing the PAID staff) "Um, we are walking around, doing all their work, for free, while they stand around."

11. A couple I knew has broken up... I loved these two people together. We only knew each other as "Your the couple who has odd food combinations" and "Your the boy that works at that Asian Joint", but, alas, they became my favourite customers, and I their favourite worker... I saw them at a gallery opening together... They looked so beautiful, happy and proud. Anyway, today, I saw her. And we spoke, after all this time (Like, literally, a year) and they had broken up... I was sad for them. (Sucker for love... Say it, I dare ya!)

12. I have started a new job. It is to do with the catering business. Mainly, wait for it... Weddings! (Salt into all wounds!!!!!!!!)

13. I have found bruises up my arms and legs and are unsure of their origions... Updates to follow after further research.

14. I think some sex would be really good right now.

15. I am currently reading "Sam in the City. Modern Love: How the Blog Generation do it!" She is like Australia's Carrie Bradshaw. I am loving the book, and I am sure if you rooted around, you could find her blog. Samantha Brett her name is... Do your worst kids.

I will try to update sooner next time, until then... W, x.