Last blog was a while back. I do have updates, but am to angry to write them all at the moment. Shalln't be long!

W. x.

Untitled Ramble 2.

I wrote this the week before I started this blog I think.

Apart.
Away.
Not mine.
Torn.
Two souls,
Neither mine.
Split.
Not mine.
I hate you.
I love you.
You love me?
You hate me?
We hate each other?
We love each other.

An empty heart,
An epic ruin.

A split.
A break.
Broken.

Can't you see me?
The Difference?
The End?

I'm gone.
Empty.
Confused.
I've left.
Come with me?
Lets run, lets hide.
Lets take on the world,
before I die.

Have some updates... But am quite tired... Remind me to tell you about Gymbo.

x

MASSIVE UPDATE!!!

Talking to these two blokes right, we'll call them D&P.

They're in a realationship... Want a threesome, thats where I come in.

I decided to meet them tonight, just to meet and get to know each other. I asked my friend Beatrice what she thought, she liked the idea... So I went to my best friend Paisley's house to tell her all about it. She encouraged it.

I went to meet them... and this is my conversation with Beatrice about it:


W... says:
I recommend it to anyone

Beatrice. says:
: DID YOU DO IT ALREADY

W... says:
we didnt fuck

W... says:
We went and sat down and talked for aaages

W... says:
then i got them to hook up

W... says:
then i hooked up with one

W... says:
and we were all like feeling each other up and hooking up

Beatrice. says:
oooooh

W... says:
then i sucked ones dick for a bit

Beatrice. says:
:

W... says:
and he then sucked mine

Beatrice. says:
: :

W... says:
then i hooked up with the other for a bit

W... says:
and then the other sucked my dick while i was hooking up with the first one to suck me

Beatrice. says:
oh my god Whateverman!!

W... says:
then i am like "I have to start heading home"

W... says:
we were all like feeling each other up and they were kissing

W... says:
then we all got up and did up out pants

Beatrice. says:
haha

W... says:
and i went to the one that didnt get his dick out and started like full hooking up and kissing him and he started getting hard

Beatrice. says:
oh geez

W... says:
and then we decided to go... and the younger one (first cock sucker) liked watching us

W... says:
it was so hot and I cannot wait to do more.

Beatrice. says:
oh my god

Beatrice. says:
So are you going to fuck them?

W... says:
Fuck yes.

W... says:
Amazing.

W... says:
They gave the best head I have EVER recieved.

Beatrice. says:
hahaha oh man

W... says:
And I have gotten ALOT of head.

Beatrice. says:
hhahahaha




I cannot wait to experience what will become the next update in this saga!!!
Note to self - Must hone in kissing skills, these guys kiss like maniacs... HUUGGE mouths!

Till next time, xox.

Haha, How Awkward.

So last night, in a drunken sleep... I had a brief sex dream about my best mate... fair enough, thats all good, we mildly flirt with each other and lounge gayly (strictly platonically) all over each other anyway, so thats not weird.

But the distubing thing is, that during a nap before I went out today, I had another sex dream about "Nintendo", a guy who well, repulses me.. He has attractive qualities, but he is vulgar... not like swearing and shit like I do, I can put up with that... But like the content of things thats comes from his mouth... it just erks me... sort of like how I cannot stand ANY colloquial terms for a toilet.

Anyway, I went out, and Nintendo was there... and he kept looking at me and it was gross and awkward.

Will keep you posted on any development.

Update on ER - He is a confused, mixed messages sending boy. I don't think I will communicate with him anymore.

Paddling HOT Water.

Landed myself in the shit today because I cannot keep my mouth shut!
Long story short, teacher said shit, I said shit, we had a discussiony argument... She went and cried about it... Usually I really like this woman, but in this specific situation, I believe she is in the wrong and should suck-it-the-fuck-up. I am a person who openly admits to being wrong if I am genuinely wrong, at one point during the discussion, she did point something valid out, and I graciously, openly said I was wrong... Anyway, after that settled, we did our shit pleasantly, and as I was leaving I said "See you later." No reply... Bitch, shouldn't you be the adult in this situation?

Then, she went and bitched/cried/questioned about me in the staff room for half an hour till the head teacher came and pointed her chubby finger at me and angrily took me into a room. PS, she was tipped off as to my where abouts by another teacher I'm close with, I once thought we were allies in the fight against the neurotic head teacher... By the way, I wasn't hiding, I was just sitting in an irregular spot, due to the wonderfully public argument that was unfolding between the principal and a particularly vulgar mouthed student.

Anyway, in said room, she went on about how I'm this and that... and then said something along the lines of "Yes, I do think you suffer from rage blackouts, then you calm down and go into sarcastic mode."

Ok, enough of that, I have a Smiley update:
Via Texts: He is 'S' and I am 'W', for obvious reasons.

• W: Hey Smiley, how are you?
• S: Hey im good man u?
• W: Well thanks. Whats happenin?
• S: Just heading to work
• W: Poor darling. How's things been? How's StarWars, I've been thinking about having a marathon of it, to catch up.

I will take now to mention he is a big fan of StarWars and was dissappointed that I had not seen them all.

• S: Lol r u now?
• W: Yes. Wanna join me nerdy? Lol.
• S: I'm afraid im working
• W: Not tonight. Hm, the weekend after next probably.
• S: Well not sure man im quite busy
• W: Ok, Tevs.
• S: What the does tevs mean?
• W: It means Whatever. If you don't wanna see each ther again, just say it aye, Lol.

No reply yet... But he is at work. Will update if anything further comes up.

Oh, I also ended up messaging ER the other day, again we were both busy when things suited the other. Then last night I believe, I messaged him saying "What are you doing tomorrow night (Friday) or Saturday night?" Just got a reply: "Tonight gym saturday night ... Sleep... Alot....". I wrote back with a ":( ok." No reply yet, but, its early days.

Futher news, have met a new guy, shares a love of wine and theatre... (Not necissarily in that order), he is just out of the age bracket I usually aim for, but I am willing to make exceptions for someone I genuinelly get along with... Aren't we all? I will call him PP.

Will let you know how it goes.

Have a good weekend.

x.

Remember.

I wrote this about a week and a half after T came to visit me for the last time... Thought I would put it up for a read.

I don't remember. I don't remember.
Feeling like this.
I don't remember feeling like this.
So fucked over.
So distraught.
So hating someone, but loving them inexplicably.

I don't remember the unsettled feeling.
The sick in the gut.
The pressure.
The angst.
The afraid of the unknown.

I don't remember crawling into my bed, crying my eyes out and being too exausted and embarrassed to see anyone.

I don't remember being so out of it.
I don't remember when my heart was last in shreads.
I don't remember hating myself for the decisions I've made
I don't remember hating someone, when it's my fault they're angry.
I don't remember the last time i didn't have a plan.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
The last time I was this lost.

But;
I know.
I know what you did.
Why you did it.
And: How it killed me.

I know, I know, I know I don't want to be like this.
I know I don't want to know.
I know I don't want to stop.
I know I don't want to sleep,
eat,
love,
fuck,
share,
live,
die,
hate,
care,
lie,
wonder,
accuse,
drink,
be here.

I know I don't want to feel this way,
I know we're unlogical,
unsuited,
unready.

I know it would be unrealistic to have you again.
But, I know, I can't help wanting you still.




From reading that now, it sounds as if it's from the perspective of someone who was the "breakupee", but I guess it's hard when you split for the best but there is still love present.

Weekend coming up, I feel delicious updates in my waters.

x.

Attention all ye' Masochists.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 5.20am convinced that T had just spent the night with NGF and slept with her multiple times.

So, unthinking, I pick up my phone.
I text:
"Hey. Just randomly woke up and got the feeling that you and NGF slept together last night... lol, did you?"

- Not an unreasonable question, its how friends are meant to act, right?

No reply for a few minutes...

I call him. - Gah, I am an idiot...
Phones off.

I text again:
"Actually... Don't reply to that... May my question 'Hey T, How you going?'"

I wait a few minutes... collect myself... tell myself its none of my business if T is sleeping with someone else, I met up with ER on Friday night and hooked up. So yeah...

Final text:
"Hey, actually, don't reply at all. Sorry, moment of weakness, I'll call you later in the week. Be safe."

He didn't write back.

I am currently fighting the urge to text him and tell him about how I just met up with Smiley (mentioned in last blog). But, I am going to continue to resist, because, if I do call, I will have to be like, "Yeah, it was good, how is NGF?" then he would say "Good" I assume... but then, Since I am such a masochist, I would have to naturally ask "Have you slept with her yet?" and the answer, being Yes would break me... and if the answer was No, I would just assume he was lying anyway, and he probably would be lying if I thought he was, cause he is a bad liar, so it would come out later down the line that he was lying (always caught him out) and that would just upset me more... And I am just getting to the point where I am almost properly over it... So, I can't fall back now.

So yes, anyway... Smiley came over thismorning, after lots of texts last night - gosh darn me and my phone. (Just recieved a text from him as I wrote that haha.)
I breifly showed him my room, then we went to a local shopping centre and bought some dvd's, then walked around for a while talking, then he drove me home, still talking quite deeply.

I replied to his text with:
"Goodo Smiley. I had a nice time today, I'd look forward to a chance to do it again. :)"
He wrote back with:
"Yeah it was fun, yeah mate, have fun today ttyl."

Ok, so back to ER, who I cannot remember why I have called ER. Oh, just remembered... ANYWAY! Texting him on Monday, we figured that we wouldn't be able to catch up for a few days... I was out and about with friends, so suggested I drop in... He was down, but half way there, I asked for his adress and he full backed off.. So I was disappointed... he just said "Next time, give me like an hrs notice..." I replied with "Mk." There has been no communication since.

I dunno, maybe I will text him now... I'll let you know what happens.

x.

Sooo.

In the style of "trying to move on", i hooked up with a guy on Friday night.

He came over, we went for a walk and talked for a while. A long while actually... It was enjoyable.

Eventually we started kissing, and mucking about further, however, we were condomless - safe sex kiddies, so, we stuck to head.

He had a forskin, I have had VERY minimal contact with forskins, not having one myself, or having done much with anyone who has one I was like "Uhh, so what do I do here?"

Just thought I would put that out there lol...

We have been talking and trying to meet up again for lunch or dinner of some discription... Dunno if it will happen. He will now be known as "ER".

Other prospects on the cards, a gentleman who lives about 25 minutes away, "Smiley". Nice bloke, dunno how far it will go, we're gonna do some form of lunch or something.
And,
"GG", who does Uni near me. He is a nice bloke, we have discussed a bit about the idea of a relationship... Will see him when he gets back from visiting his home town.

Hmmm, anyway, more "Poetry" to come.

Just be happy.

So, I have had every man and their dog lately telling me to just be happy.

But how can I be when I am broken?

I've come to the conclusion, that doing what I am doing, I am hurting T.

So, I have decided that I am going to let him be. Let him be happy with the person who has now won his affections.

A text from me to him:
I'm sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend. As Anything. I am jealous and upset that you are moving on so easily, whereas I just can't click with anyone. I am jealous of her, because she has won your affections. I am scared that I'll be hung up forever, that I'll never feel good again. I am worried that my parents are right, that I do have some form of problem. I am broken inside because I shouldn't have agreed that splitting was the best option. I love you T, more than anything on this universe. It hurts me ever second of every day to be without you. I held the blade to my veins today. I pushed it in, ready to slice. I only stopped because I though of how you would feel if I did it. I love you too much to even end my pain, to shut my head up. I am sorry things turned out how they have. I know we had a truce, and I don't understand why I fucked with that. T, you were right, there is something wrong with me. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much. Till the day I die, I'll love you.



I don't know why I am so hung up on him sometimes... Like I think, Gah! I broke up with him because of our differences.. Not to mention hiding R from me and the fights that occoured... And, I have now realised I was only an experiment to him to test his sexuality, he was never going to come out for me... And thats why now he is shacking up with a shiela and will never tell another soul about the relationship he had with the boy who was "his world." ... But, Yeah, I don't want him back, But why can't I move on!???!

Maybe I just want someone in general. But, on that note, I don't think I do... Gah! I don't know.

PS, have made a new pact with myself... Never get involved with Bi and or closeted men ever again!

Time for a beer?

Untitled Ramble

Rebuild.
Find.
It's gone.
Where did it go?

I have lost all of me.
Have you seen?
My shadow? My shoes?
Hidden from view.

Bring it back.
What has escaped me.
What has stolen itself.
What I let go.

I miss it.
Do you?
It is chilling.
Haunting. My bones.

I can feel this way.
Surprising?
Then you don't know me.
We've hidden from you too.

Once intertwining.
Two identities,
Broken,
Sepertated.

Gone.
I chased you.
I ran,
Opposite.

Again?
Where?
This was it.
Before the end.

Is this for the better?
Will I return?
Who knows?
Maybe we'll burn.

My First Post.

I am really just starting this thing as a place to publish the things I am writing.

I don't know who will read it, or why. Hopefully, if you relate on some level, it will be beneficial for you, if not, I hope you enjoy the read.

I suppose I should give you the back story to why I feel like this, and why these words are manefesting in my head and need to be expressed onto page.

Recently, (49 days ago - but who is counting) I broke up with my partner. (Male - Yes, I am gay.)

I loved him. He was my first love. Before I met him, I was strong willed, independant and gaurded. I rarely let people in, without a long settling in period.

When I met him, T. for names sake, I fell quickly. He was charming, attractive, modest, attentive. A lovely young man, and yes, the sex was amazing.

Throughout our relationship, we had so, so, so many fun times, scrambling to find common ground. He was not "out of the closet" and kept assuring me he would come out, it never happened, and after we split, I found that he never really thought he would. He had internet friends he had known since before he met me. I thought that was ok and healthy, until I found some of the things they had been sending him of late. Naturally, I flew off the handle and questioned him. One guy in particular he seemed great friends with, "R."... I, admittedly read T's email, and found emails from 06 or so (this is 08), telling of how much they loved each other etc. T assured me this was because he didn't want to let R down and this is why he reciprocated... This was all while he was with his ex girlfriend M.

-Sorry, just as a side note, this is the first place I have ever expressed the above. I have not even told my best friends etc.

Anyway, T. then told me he would always tell me when these gentlemen contacted him and that he was with me and hid all this from me so I didn't crack a shit fit like I did, because he really wanted it to work. Knowing T on the level I do, I believed him, and I am pretty sure I still do. T had never met any of these people in person. Eventually, one night, T and I were at a party when R called and messaged. T being drunkish, gave me his phone, and I politely (More politely then T's alleged request) to please go away, the following night, completely sober, T and I called R - after R leaving 27 missed calls and 3 messages, we together asked him to leave T alone, because T was happy with me, loved me and didn't appreciate the things R was sending. Good, fair enough. End.

I had a friend, 'L', we had known each other for a while, clicked, but never met or spoken on the phone, flirted briefly once, but settled to be just friends and that seemed great, I stop speaking to him, so as not to seem Hypocritical to T. That sounds so childish I know, but, it is what worked for us.

One day due to a mistake, we did have a bit of a bust up. I ended up in tears yelling and then telling him that I was planning on ending our relationship the previous day, but didn't because had seemed to lift his game, and he cried. He cried because he wanted me and loved me so much. If you knew T, you would know what a big thing this is... 6ft, broad shoulders, very manly, occupation in Law enforcement.

Anyway, eventually, after a few more squabbles and petty fights, I realised that, even though T and I loved each other so, it was just breaking us apart because of the differences we had. As I said, we had lots of fun, but there was still things we both wanted etc that the other didn't. So, I decided to end our relationship so as I would still be able to salvage a friendship. He agreed with me.

About 2 weeks later, he came to visit me, to talk things over again. We still loved each other, and always would (So he said, but he hasn't really shown it of late), we talked it over, he admitted to me that he wasn't sure if he was still gay, didn't know what he wanted etc. 2 days later he left. Assuring me he would still visit... Hasn't visited since.

Since talking things over, we have spoken alot on the phone etc, most times I am reduced to tears.

I still love him, so much, I am trying to move on. I am trying to meet other people. He has made some new friends, one male and one female in his town (where he lives alone for work and previously knew no one in the town)... He mentioned the woman he has met has tried flirting with him a bit, but he is unsure what he will do, because he doesn't want a relationship, and is unsure about other stuff.

This has sent me down in the dumps a bit again... I wish I could just move on, but it is so difficult. I don't know why.

Is it always this difficult to move on from the first person you loved?

Sometimes to help me express myself, I write things. Just write things down, quite often they just come to me out of thin air and I need to write them down.

I love my friends so much, but at times, it is hard to tell them things like this because, it does upset me and I suppose, embarrass me a little to express things like this. So, I thought I would write it down here, even if no one reads it, its good for me to get it off my chest.

So, from time to time, you will get a rant about T, about school, about friends, aquaintances or things I have written.

Till next time,
W. x.