My First Post.

I am really just starting this thing as a place to publish the things I am writing.

I don't know who will read it, or why. Hopefully, if you relate on some level, it will be beneficial for you, if not, I hope you enjoy the read.

I suppose I should give you the back story to why I feel like this, and why these words are manefesting in my head and need to be expressed onto page.

Recently, (49 days ago - but who is counting) I broke up with my partner. (Male - Yes, I am gay.)

I loved him. He was my first love. Before I met him, I was strong willed, independant and gaurded. I rarely let people in, without a long settling in period.

When I met him, T. for names sake, I fell quickly. He was charming, attractive, modest, attentive. A lovely young man, and yes, the sex was amazing.

Throughout our relationship, we had so, so, so many fun times, scrambling to find common ground. He was not "out of the closet" and kept assuring me he would come out, it never happened, and after we split, I found that he never really thought he would. He had internet friends he had known since before he met me. I thought that was ok and healthy, until I found some of the things they had been sending him of late. Naturally, I flew off the handle and questioned him. One guy in particular he seemed great friends with, "R."... I, admittedly read T's email, and found emails from 06 or so (this is 08), telling of how much they loved each other etc. T assured me this was because he didn't want to let R down and this is why he reciprocated... This was all while he was with his ex girlfriend M.

-Sorry, just as a side note, this is the first place I have ever expressed the above. I have not even told my best friends etc.

Anyway, T. then told me he would always tell me when these gentlemen contacted him and that he was with me and hid all this from me so I didn't crack a shit fit like I did, because he really wanted it to work. Knowing T on the level I do, I believed him, and I am pretty sure I still do. T had never met any of these people in person. Eventually, one night, T and I were at a party when R called and messaged. T being drunkish, gave me his phone, and I politely (More politely then T's alleged request) to please go away, the following night, completely sober, T and I called R - after R leaving 27 missed calls and 3 messages, we together asked him to leave T alone, because T was happy with me, loved me and didn't appreciate the things R was sending. Good, fair enough. End.

I had a friend, 'L', we had known each other for a while, clicked, but never met or spoken on the phone, flirted briefly once, but settled to be just friends and that seemed great, I stop speaking to him, so as not to seem Hypocritical to T. That sounds so childish I know, but, it is what worked for us.

One day due to a mistake, we did have a bit of a bust up. I ended up in tears yelling and then telling him that I was planning on ending our relationship the previous day, but didn't because had seemed to lift his game, and he cried. He cried because he wanted me and loved me so much. If you knew T, you would know what a big thing this is... 6ft, broad shoulders, very manly, occupation in Law enforcement.

Anyway, eventually, after a few more squabbles and petty fights, I realised that, even though T and I loved each other so, it was just breaking us apart because of the differences we had. As I said, we had lots of fun, but there was still things we both wanted etc that the other didn't. So, I decided to end our relationship so as I would still be able to salvage a friendship. He agreed with me.

About 2 weeks later, he came to visit me, to talk things over again. We still loved each other, and always would (So he said, but he hasn't really shown it of late), we talked it over, he admitted to me that he wasn't sure if he was still gay, didn't know what he wanted etc. 2 days later he left. Assuring me he would still visit... Hasn't visited since.

Since talking things over, we have spoken alot on the phone etc, most times I am reduced to tears.

I still love him, so much, I am trying to move on. I am trying to meet other people. He has made some new friends, one male and one female in his town (where he lives alone for work and previously knew no one in the town)... He mentioned the woman he has met has tried flirting with him a bit, but he is unsure what he will do, because he doesn't want a relationship, and is unsure about other stuff.

This has sent me down in the dumps a bit again... I wish I could just move on, but it is so difficult. I don't know why.

Is it always this difficult to move on from the first person you loved?

Sometimes to help me express myself, I write things. Just write things down, quite often they just come to me out of thin air and I need to write them down.

I love my friends so much, but at times, it is hard to tell them things like this because, it does upset me and I suppose, embarrass me a little to express things like this. So, I thought I would write it down here, even if no one reads it, its good for me to get it off my chest.

So, from time to time, you will get a rant about T, about school, about friends, aquaintances or things I have written.

Till next time,
W. x.