Just be happy.

So, I have had every man and their dog lately telling me to just be happy.

But how can I be when I am broken?

I've come to the conclusion, that doing what I am doing, I am hurting T.

So, I have decided that I am going to let him be. Let him be happy with the person who has now won his affections.

A text from me to him:
I'm sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend. As Anything. I am jealous and upset that you are moving on so easily, whereas I just can't click with anyone. I am jealous of her, because she has won your affections. I am scared that I'll be hung up forever, that I'll never feel good again. I am worried that my parents are right, that I do have some form of problem. I am broken inside because I shouldn't have agreed that splitting was the best option. I love you T, more than anything on this universe. It hurts me ever second of every day to be without you. I held the blade to my veins today. I pushed it in, ready to slice. I only stopped because I though of how you would feel if I did it. I love you too much to even end my pain, to shut my head up. I am sorry things turned out how they have. I know we had a truce, and I don't understand why I fucked with that. T, you were right, there is something wrong with me. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much. Till the day I die, I'll love you.



I don't know why I am so hung up on him sometimes... Like I think, Gah! I broke up with him because of our differences.. Not to mention hiding R from me and the fights that occoured... And, I have now realised I was only an experiment to him to test his sexuality, he was never going to come out for me... And thats why now he is shacking up with a shiela and will never tell another soul about the relationship he had with the boy who was "his world." ... But, Yeah, I don't want him back, But why can't I move on!???!

Maybe I just want someone in general. But, on that note, I don't think I do... Gah! I don't know.

PS, have made a new pact with myself... Never get involved with Bi and or closeted men ever again!

Time for a beer?