Ok, well, last Saturday night at work, Cousin of the bride was gay.

He was attractive and I noticed him immediately on my first round of canapes.
He spoke to me a few times and followed me with his eyes constantly.

I noticed the Baggy, clutchy, walletty thing he was carrying, and when someone asked me if I had seen it whilst doing a check of the gents toilets, I knew exactly what they were talking about, and exactly where I saw it last... Over in the corner with the tea and coffee.

I took him over to it, and he bailed me up in the corner talking to me for about 5 minutes just about where he was from, his age and about offering me certain things for another glass of wine. (he had been cut off.) He is 25, from Brisbane... So I kinda stopped trying after that.

For the rest of the night, secret glances, winks, and even to the point of coming to the back door of the kitchen looking for me, made me feel very, very flattered, and sexy... Something I haven't truley felt in a while...

Coming up, Where to pick up men, with Whateverman, issue #1.

Till then, W, x.

I have updates. It's not that I got laid... However, propositioned for such, yes. When I get time loves...

Not much going on... Chatted on the phone to T for a bit on Monday night. Meh, over it now. I think less off him, I move over stuff quicker and I'm not spending my time being sad.

I giggle about certain stuff... I remember a few things about our time together, but now really, it all kinda feels not real, I don't remember what its like to be unsingle. Lol.

There is a few perspective boys I am chatting to... Its not really like "I can see myself with this person" stage quite yet... But, I get a kick from chatting to them: The Dr. and Mj, are their names. Both in Uni for different things. Mj is closer to my age than the Dr., but they are both nice blokes.

Will keep you updated.

Gym is going ok, but costing alot $$ wise.

I have alot of Social Events coming up in the following two weeks with alot of new people, might be a couple decent stories outta that. ;)

W, x.

A twist and a pull in the story.

In a strange turn of events, T and I begain talking online tonight. He answered alot of unsolved questions.

I am really at peace with the whole thing now... and our friendship is better than ever... Sorta how it was when we first met. ACTUAL mates taking the piss... I am no longer feeling hurt or rejected. I miss him, my mate, but now I have that back... And you know what; I feel satisfied that that is all I need. I don't want the relationship side back, because as you have all read.... It Was Sorta Crappy!

I feel better then I have in ages. Like a weight has been lifted...

And, I learnt about him and NGF -

• He isn't actually sure if he loves her... he just said it to make her happy. (Fucking women lol)
• She isn't very good at giving head.
• She isn't very active around the house when she stays there... Lazy bitch... I assume they are probly just doing it... but meh. I am cool with that. I just didn't want her fucking around with my sofa cushions!
• T hasn't washed the doona cover since the last time I was there... I.e; She is sleeping in my cum stains.
• I am MUCH better in the sack then what she is.

I hope this peacefulness and mateship lasts. I feel I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and uh, I know he still thinks about me when he wanks and stuff... And that he still wants to have sex with me.

W, x.

Ps. ................................................................ We had phone sex... Don't hate me. *bites fingers.*

Pps... Like my pun in the title of this post? :P

Ps.

Got my gym membership card..

:):)

Told T I loved him.

He tells me that him and NGF are official, and he has told her he loves her.

I cried and cried and cried.

Drove to the Supermarket and bought:

• 1 packet of Wonka Nerds
• 1 stick of Blackcurrent Soothers
• A enviro-bag with Beach Umbrellas on it
• a 4pk of Lemon Lime and Bitters and,
• An Acrylic Wine Goblet.

Went for a drive.

Came home, got into bed with the LLandBitters and a cask of wine.

Watched two films.

Crashed.

I was initally upset, obvs, but now I am getting used to the idea I suppose. He doesn't overly care about me anymore. He doesn't need to grieve me, because he met her and got with her soon after we officially split, he is, in my opinion probably just transferring his feelings.

But, if he feels he loves her. I am happy for him.

And now that I know there is no hope, I suppose it will be easier for me to get over it. I have kinda gone numb...

However, tonight I had a wonderful night with Paisley, Fleetfox, LJJ, Boardies and Daisy. It was hilarious.

I mentioned like a week or so ago about attractive guy at social function. I found him. :), Will keep posted.

x.

Chance encounter with P from D&P.

Long story short, don't think threesome will be happening for a while, details will be expressed some time down the track, reason for that will be told at a later date too.

x.

Working on a new "poem" here is a taste:

"What are you asking, blasphemous sin?
Should I be cruel?
Dwell from within?

How do I help, blasphemous sin?
Living in my shell, empty skin."

Still playing with the rest.

x.

For the first time in over three weeks I spoke to T. He had tried to contact me a couple of times in that period he said. I am unsure.

Anyway, he and NGF are still not serious, but, have now done the do. I wasn't that cut up, not as much as I expected. Not at all really. I didn't really process it I guess till I heard Melissa Ethridge's "Bring Me Some Water", the lyrics in that made it sting.

We spoke for about 8 minutes, general chit chat etc. He said he loved me and really wishes me happiness, he misses our fun.

It kinda sent me into a bit of a tail spin of missing him... But, I didn't overly want to for that reason, but had to contact him due to natural disasters near his home etc... Kinda courtesy, ya know?

So again, I am trying to get out of the funk, new affirmation on the mirror:
"You didn't invent pain.
There is plenty of time for new love.
Love yourself first, the rest will follow."

The last affirmation really helped. This one will hopefully be a bit of a kick in the guts towards my "Post-Break-Up-Weight-Loss-Journey".

I don't want him back. But, I miss my best friend. The laughs, the fun times. I just want the cuddles and love and happy parts without the bits that made us fail. The lies, the other boys texting, the distance, the petty arguments. But, hey, it doesn't work that way.

I can't help but feel however, this isn't the end of our road... I don't know what it is. If he came to me tomorrow and said, "I wanna be with you", I would say "No." I was the one AGAINST the relationship in the beginning. I was the one that was apprehensive and was standoffish towards it, then, I fell. And now I am the one that is in the bloody rut.

A friend of mine, FleetFox, described to me that she feels that perhaps T is not as calm about it as he makes out. She saw the way he treated me, the way he looked at me, loved me. She thinks that maybe he is supressing it to avoid the confrontation of his sexuality. Maybe, that would explain why he has thrust himself into the arms of another person so quickly. I wish I could get inside of his head to truely understand what he thinks of the situation, I can't even read body language, just the way he portrays it over the phone... And when I think of it, I understand that he really cannot grieve the breakup, because if he showed that he misses me or is upset in anyway, co-workers or family memebers would notice and ask questions which he can't answer because he is in the closet, so he can't say "Oh, my boyfriend and I broke up and I miss him."

On that note, he said he doesn't think he could be gay anymore, which is why I think I was just a test to see if he could do the man on man relationship thing, I have expressed that before.

Oh well, after getting that off my chest, I feel better and will probably stop stewing over it.
I had really forgetten how much the blog helps to express myself, keeping my mind clear and helping me along.

x.