For the first time in over three weeks I spoke to T. He had tried to contact me a couple of times in that period he said. I am unsure.

Anyway, he and NGF are still not serious, but, have now done the do. I wasn't that cut up, not as much as I expected. Not at all really. I didn't really process it I guess till I heard Melissa Ethridge's "Bring Me Some Water", the lyrics in that made it sting.

We spoke for about 8 minutes, general chit chat etc. He said he loved me and really wishes me happiness, he misses our fun.

It kinda sent me into a bit of a tail spin of missing him... But, I didn't overly want to for that reason, but had to contact him due to natural disasters near his home etc... Kinda courtesy, ya know?

So again, I am trying to get out of the funk, new affirmation on the mirror:
"You didn't invent pain.
There is plenty of time for new love.
Love yourself first, the rest will follow."

The last affirmation really helped. This one will hopefully be a bit of a kick in the guts towards my "Post-Break-Up-Weight-Loss-Journey".

I don't want him back. But, I miss my best friend. The laughs, the fun times. I just want the cuddles and love and happy parts without the bits that made us fail. The lies, the other boys texting, the distance, the petty arguments. But, hey, it doesn't work that way.

I can't help but feel however, this isn't the end of our road... I don't know what it is. If he came to me tomorrow and said, "I wanna be with you", I would say "No." I was the one AGAINST the relationship in the beginning. I was the one that was apprehensive and was standoffish towards it, then, I fell. And now I am the one that is in the bloody rut.

A friend of mine, FleetFox, described to me that she feels that perhaps T is not as calm about it as he makes out. She saw the way he treated me, the way he looked at me, loved me. She thinks that maybe he is supressing it to avoid the confrontation of his sexuality. Maybe, that would explain why he has thrust himself into the arms of another person so quickly. I wish I could get inside of his head to truely understand what he thinks of the situation, I can't even read body language, just the way he portrays it over the phone... And when I think of it, I understand that he really cannot grieve the breakup, because if he showed that he misses me or is upset in anyway, co-workers or family memebers would notice and ask questions which he can't answer because he is in the closet, so he can't say "Oh, my boyfriend and I broke up and I miss him."

On that note, he said he doesn't think he could be gay anymore, which is why I think I was just a test to see if he could do the man on man relationship thing, I have expressed that before.

Oh well, after getting that off my chest, I feel better and will probably stop stewing over it.
I had really forgetten how much the blog helps to express myself, keeping my mind clear and helping me along.

x.