Ok, well, last Saturday night at work, Cousin of the bride was gay.

He was attractive and I noticed him immediately on my first round of canapes.
He spoke to me a few times and followed me with his eyes constantly.

I noticed the Baggy, clutchy, walletty thing he was carrying, and when someone asked me if I had seen it whilst doing a check of the gents toilets, I knew exactly what they were talking about, and exactly where I saw it last... Over in the corner with the tea and coffee.

I took him over to it, and he bailed me up in the corner talking to me for about 5 minutes just about where he was from, his age and about offering me certain things for another glass of wine. (he had been cut off.) He is 25, from Brisbane... So I kinda stopped trying after that.

For the rest of the night, secret glances, winks, and even to the point of coming to the back door of the kitchen looking for me, made me feel very, very flattered, and sexy... Something I haven't truley felt in a while...

Coming up, Where to pick up men, with Whateverman, issue #1.

Till then, W, x.

I have updates. It's not that I got laid... However, propositioned for such, yes. When I get time loves...

Not much going on... Chatted on the phone to T for a bit on Monday night. Meh, over it now. I think less off him, I move over stuff quicker and I'm not spending my time being sad.

I giggle about certain stuff... I remember a few things about our time together, but now really, it all kinda feels not real, I don't remember what its like to be unsingle. Lol.

There is a few perspective boys I am chatting to... Its not really like "I can see myself with this person" stage quite yet... But, I get a kick from chatting to them: The Dr. and Mj, are their names. Both in Uni for different things. Mj is closer to my age than the Dr., but they are both nice blokes.

Will keep you updated.

Gym is going ok, but costing alot $$ wise.

I have alot of Social Events coming up in the following two weeks with alot of new people, might be a couple decent stories outta that. ;)

W, x.

A twist and a pull in the story.

In a strange turn of events, T and I begain talking online tonight. He answered alot of unsolved questions.

I am really at peace with the whole thing now... and our friendship is better than ever... Sorta how it was when we first met. ACTUAL mates taking the piss... I am no longer feeling hurt or rejected. I miss him, my mate, but now I have that back... And you know what; I feel satisfied that that is all I need. I don't want the relationship side back, because as you have all read.... It Was Sorta Crappy!

I feel better then I have in ages. Like a weight has been lifted...

And, I learnt about him and NGF -

• He isn't actually sure if he loves her... he just said it to make her happy. (Fucking women lol)
• She isn't very good at giving head.
• She isn't very active around the house when she stays there... Lazy bitch... I assume they are probly just doing it... but meh. I am cool with that. I just didn't want her fucking around with my sofa cushions!
• T hasn't washed the doona cover since the last time I was there... I.e; She is sleeping in my cum stains.
• I am MUCH better in the sack then what she is.

I hope this peacefulness and mateship lasts. I feel I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and uh, I know he still thinks about me when he wanks and stuff... And that he still wants to have sex with me.

W, x.

Ps. ................................................................ We had phone sex... Don't hate me. *bites fingers.*

Pps... Like my pun in the title of this post? :P

Ps.

Got my gym membership card..

:):)

Told T I loved him.

He tells me that him and NGF are official, and he has told her he loves her.

I cried and cried and cried.

Drove to the Supermarket and bought:

• 1 packet of Wonka Nerds
• 1 stick of Blackcurrent Soothers
• A enviro-bag with Beach Umbrellas on it
• a 4pk of Lemon Lime and Bitters and,
• An Acrylic Wine Goblet.

Went for a drive.

Came home, got into bed with the LLandBitters and a cask of wine.

Watched two films.

Crashed.

I was initally upset, obvs, but now I am getting used to the idea I suppose. He doesn't overly care about me anymore. He doesn't need to grieve me, because he met her and got with her soon after we officially split, he is, in my opinion probably just transferring his feelings.

But, if he feels he loves her. I am happy for him.

And now that I know there is no hope, I suppose it will be easier for me to get over it. I have kinda gone numb...

However, tonight I had a wonderful night with Paisley, Fleetfox, LJJ, Boardies and Daisy. It was hilarious.

I mentioned like a week or so ago about attractive guy at social function. I found him. :), Will keep posted.

x.

Chance encounter with P from D&P.

Long story short, don't think threesome will be happening for a while, details will be expressed some time down the track, reason for that will be told at a later date too.

x.

Working on a new "poem" here is a taste:

"What are you asking, blasphemous sin?
Should I be cruel?
Dwell from within?

How do I help, blasphemous sin?
Living in my shell, empty skin."

Still playing with the rest.

x.

For the first time in over three weeks I spoke to T. He had tried to contact me a couple of times in that period he said. I am unsure.

Anyway, he and NGF are still not serious, but, have now done the do. I wasn't that cut up, not as much as I expected. Not at all really. I didn't really process it I guess till I heard Melissa Ethridge's "Bring Me Some Water", the lyrics in that made it sting.

We spoke for about 8 minutes, general chit chat etc. He said he loved me and really wishes me happiness, he misses our fun.

It kinda sent me into a bit of a tail spin of missing him... But, I didn't overly want to for that reason, but had to contact him due to natural disasters near his home etc... Kinda courtesy, ya know?

So again, I am trying to get out of the funk, new affirmation on the mirror:
"You didn't invent pain.
There is plenty of time for new love.
Love yourself first, the rest will follow."

The last affirmation really helped. This one will hopefully be a bit of a kick in the guts towards my "Post-Break-Up-Weight-Loss-Journey".

I don't want him back. But, I miss my best friend. The laughs, the fun times. I just want the cuddles and love and happy parts without the bits that made us fail. The lies, the other boys texting, the distance, the petty arguments. But, hey, it doesn't work that way.

I can't help but feel however, this isn't the end of our road... I don't know what it is. If he came to me tomorrow and said, "I wanna be with you", I would say "No." I was the one AGAINST the relationship in the beginning. I was the one that was apprehensive and was standoffish towards it, then, I fell. And now I am the one that is in the bloody rut.

A friend of mine, FleetFox, described to me that she feels that perhaps T is not as calm about it as he makes out. She saw the way he treated me, the way he looked at me, loved me. She thinks that maybe he is supressing it to avoid the confrontation of his sexuality. Maybe, that would explain why he has thrust himself into the arms of another person so quickly. I wish I could get inside of his head to truely understand what he thinks of the situation, I can't even read body language, just the way he portrays it over the phone... And when I think of it, I understand that he really cannot grieve the breakup, because if he showed that he misses me or is upset in anyway, co-workers or family memebers would notice and ask questions which he can't answer because he is in the closet, so he can't say "Oh, my boyfriend and I broke up and I miss him."

On that note, he said he doesn't think he could be gay anymore, which is why I think I was just a test to see if he could do the man on man relationship thing, I have expressed that before.

Oh well, after getting that off my chest, I feel better and will probably stop stewing over it.
I had really forgetten how much the blog helps to express myself, keeping my mind clear and helping me along.

x.

It's been a while.

I know, I know. I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to gather material for updates!!!

Oh dear.

Still no word from T, has been almost a month. I don't want to contact him. I would like to know how he is going, but I don't wanna reach out first. Oh well.

ACTUALLY! I do have an update. A nice guy came up to me the other night after a social event and said how wonderful I was at said event and how he really enjoyed the night... He shook my hand, for longer then usual, we spoke, then I introduced myself, and we shook hands again, longer still... He was very attractive, and I babbled like an idiot. Worse still, I cannot remember his name. I wonder if I can track him down just from those beautiful dimples?

xx.

Hello there strangers.

I know it's been a while, but, I have been soooo busy... Anyone who knows me would know why... Everyone else, just try and be sympathetic lol...

Updates, not seeing any boys, not interested in any, not going anywhere with anyone... Still intouch with D&P however.

Ummm, T is probably back from Perth by now. Dunno if he is... He didn't message me when he got there like he said. He hasn't contacted me in any form, not since those texts 2 weeks ago 2morro.

All my memories of him now seem like they happened to someone else. It is good. The distance is good. I have focused my attention in separating my present with the past... put all the clothes he gave me etc away untill I feel good about them again... Chopped up the jeans he bought me into shorts... Which is awesome, because they look great, and are now new and fresh, like my outlook. Also, I just deleted him from MSN, and! changed his name in my phone from his real name to just "T". Another great distancing tool in my opinion.

I am working a new poem... It is coming along nicely.

Till next time; W, x.

Bad Start. Funny 'Ha Ha' End.

So, I dreamt about T last night. That he was sending me photos and saying he wished I was there with him and that he wanted me, even though he was still with NGF.

It was one of those days where I just wanted to be washed away.

Anyway, after enjoying some Desperate Housewives, I was toey.

I started looking for a man. I found one. Looked at him on webcam... Quite attractive, nice dick.
He came to my usual spot where I meet my guys, he gets out of his car, he is about 5ft tall with quite a high voice. I was like "Saaaaaaaaaay Whhhaaaaaaaaa?" I thought it was the woman from a nearby house at first.

I was suddenly not open to the idea. I don't have anything against short people or anything, but the voice, if I heard it moaning or something, I would have been VERY turned off.

So I politely said "To tell you the truth mate... I had Indian for dinner, so I don't think that anything anal would be the best idea... But I am happy if you wanna jerk off together or something."

Then a guy walks past with his dog, and a family nearby came home. So I said "Wow, busy tonight." And he was like "Yeah, maybe we should do it another night?" And I am like, "Ok! Have A Good One."

I then went to my friend Rocky Balboaette's to get some books, which is the "reason" I was out.
She wasn't there!!! (I know now she was in the shower.) So I was left stranded without an alibi, so I bailed to Paisley's and got some of her books. Thank God.

Now I am back home. Sigh.

Till next time, W, x.

Dreams are so good. But sometimes so annoying.

A Change.

I am making and taking my own advice this week. I have worked myself into an unnecessary funk over this whole situation. I have been parading around in my exquisite sadness, riveted to my 'tragedy'. But, I don't have a patent on grief and I didn't invent pain. So, I am going to get myself out of it. And, apparently, no one takes notice of the person who wallows in self pity... You have to be confident it seems.

My advice being,
"Time heals all wounds. You will move on. Love what you have, smile about what you had. It will all work out."

I have written it on my mirror in some form of affirmation. I intend to read it every time I glance at it. Lets see how that goes for a few days... I actually do feel a bit lighter already.

PS, Did someone say its time to start working out again? Lose that relationship weight? And then the Break-up weight?

Will keep status updates on that, and as a reminder of how hard I originally worked, I will chart to you my weight loss journey of last year.

Oh my, I live in a chick flick.

Spoke to T on Saturday.

On the phone.

General chit chat and such... Then he mentioned his upcoming trip to Perth (I had forgotten about it) I asked if NGF would miss him... He said he wasn't sure...

I asked what was going on with them... He said they're seeing a fair bit of each other but are not together and isn't sure where they stand.

Conversation:
W: Oh ok... fair enough... she been staying over and that?
T: Yeah, a couple of times.
W: Cool, Fucked her yet?
T: haha, no.
W: What are you letting her stay over for if your not rooting her man?
T: Haha, I dunno.
W: You done anything?
T: Yeah, shes sucked my dick a bit.

Gah! Why did I ask? It's enivitable, and I am doing that kind of thing too and don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly hypocritical about getting upset by it... But if just kinda pulls at my heart strings, literally.

Briefly after that, I announced I had to go and finish some assignments. We bid farewell. On good terms.

I messaged him. "Your still one of my best mates, remember that."

His reply: "I know."

We texted a bit, he said "I do think about you. But I am moving on. We had some great times together and I will never forget them."

"I am genuinely very happy for you. :)... But I am sad we are not happy together. :(" Was my reply.

"Thankyou for being happy for me."

And it's true, I am happy that he is happy. But I am unhappy that we couldn't be happy together.

I think what is hurting is that he has some woman:

• in the bed that I tenderly made everyday,
• in the sheets that I picked out (because they matched the carpet),
• admiring the plant I bought, transplanted and taught him to care for,
• playing with the cushions I bought to ease the nasty colour of his couch,
• walking around the house that I made a home by decorating it for him,
• being cooked the meals that we once reserved for romantic nights with me,
• watching him get ready for work in the morning, then lying in the bed we spent days together in,
• using the makeshift bedside table i made on myside of the bed,
• doing the washing I did numourous times,
• cleaning and taking care of his space,
• showering in the shower I cleaned and made love in,
• using the things I bought for him, appliances, bath mats, towels, shampoo's, dvds.

That must be it... Like this was my home too for a fair time. He said it himself: "I rented it as a house... But you made it a home. It's our home." And it was, we would get up, make breakfast and watch a movie while having it, then shower, clean the house, then make love and go out for lunch, come home, nap, then we would rent movies, pull out the sofa watch them and usually have sex somewhere in the middle. It was OUR home. I cleaned it while he was at work then he would come home and cook me a fabulous dinner and we would have an enviable night in. I loved my time there with him, and now its not my time anymore, its not my home anymore, its not my life anymore...

However, for future refernce NGF - Those ARE my cum stains on the floor and the beautiful doona cover that I so lovingly suggested T purchase.

Last night, went out with friends, took 5555 with me. He was a nice guy, but not my type... I flirted, no reciprocation, so, blergh, whatever, He's just not that into you, and shit.

What else is going on?

I am thinking of seeing D&P tonight after work and party. Dunno if I will.

I messaged T the other day, no reply. Sigh.

Aw well, I am getting over it, really I am... But, I dunno, its odd why I can't move on. I can see now, in heinsight, after a certain point, our relationship wasn't that great. There was great qualities, but overall. All his lies and decptions and shit that all fucking blew up in my face and broke me. WHY CAN'T I GET OVER SOMETHING THAT HURT ME SO BAD?!?!!?

Ergh... I dunno. I just dunno.

Might write some 'poetry' sometime soon. Just for you.

In other news, bought some amazing shoes. Gah, brilliance.

Update on said working Acadamic Pursuit...
Paisley and I got fed up of the way they were treating us... So we bailed and I wrote an angry letter.

GG...
Is acting normal, as if the other night didn't happen.

L...
Haven't heard from him.

T...
Texted him yesterday, asking if he passed an assignment he failed the first time he tried. No reply. Sigh. So much for 'friends'. I wish we still could be friends... But maybe it is just easier eliminating him from my life all together... Gah!!!

In other news, I got the most amazing Jacket. It is awesome... And I am wearing it to a pimps and ho's party on Saturday night... I am going as a Ho... For obvious reasons.

Till next time, W, x.

Ok... Update.

1. Spoke to T yesterday. I had to speak to him about how my mother is acting... He always had a good point of view on how to handle her. Still hanging out with NGF occasionally, but they, according to him are not an item... I am inclined to believe him for a change...We generally chit chatted... It took me a while to get a hold of him! Tears streaked my face as I spoke to him... It wasn't crying, there was no laboured breathing, no lump in my throat... Just tear stained cheeks and jawline.

2. Still haven't spoken to ER.

3. Make general nicenesses with Smiley every so often.

4. D&P&Me are still speaking every few days, and are waiting for an appropriate time to meet.

5. Gymbo (Named such because of his profession.) He is young, earns a good income, can get me a free full gym membership, enjoys a good time, generous and has an appreciation for art. However, I really do think he is not my type. He is a bit too over the top party boy for me... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a night out occasionally, be he is a 'rent-a-hotel-every-weekend-in-Sydney' kinda gay... And I don't do that... And would feel bad asking him not to participate in such an activity, if our relationship evolved. Also, he is a bit to.. Uh, for lack of a better term "Un manly" for me to see myself with. (I like Blokes!) We are currently both working in the same shopping complex for the week. I suggested I drop in and we break in his new office... Hmmm, Hello Blog Update ;).

6. My anger and frustration the other day was towards my mother. She accused me of something or another... Heated discussion followed then yelling and futher were swapped. Whatever, we're over it now... But I don't drop a grudge quickly. She has little man syndrome.

7. GG was going to come out with my friends and I the other night... But, first we ran out of seats in the car to pic him up and then second, we decided to meet near his house, but the café we were going to go to has sinced closed down. He got quite angry. I find him frustrating at times. The way he speaks to people and the way he runs around with banter and his brief anger and such... Anyway, today he was all "I'm gonna come visit soon.. I'll catch a bus over." And was texting me all the time... Don't get me wrong, it was HIGHLY flattering, but he rang me, and just ticked me off, I expressed how I felt about his annoyingly neurotic, dominant conversational skills - probably not in the best manner. Then I just said "Well, I have to go now, Goodbye." and hung up... I then got online, and basically ignored him (I said one sentence) untill he went offline. I just sent him a message... "Goodnight." My, metaphorical white flag... I expect something cryptic back... Oh here is the reply... it reads: "Atleast for you it will be." TOLD YOU! Cryptic!! I am replying with, "What do you mean?"

He also questioned me earlier tonight whether I didn't like him as much since the other night... I replied I didn't feel different, but I do think that, subconciously at least, I do. Mainly because I saw a side of him that I was FULL NOT down with.

8. My friend L, mentioned in blog numero uno, has been ignoring me since the 26th of January. We were meant to go out to lunch on the 28th. I do not understand why he stopped contacting me. I have tried to make contact... Texts, myspace, facebook, phone calls, msn. I know he has read the messages on Myspace (it gives you a notice nowdays.)... Hmmm, Actually, I sent him a text about a concert I thought he would be attending that I am also going to, he replied that he would be going and was sorry about the silence... That was... I dunno, sometime in mid Feb. Only thing I have heard from him. He was completely polite about it. I have no idea what has happened. Our friendship was stronger then ever at the time and we (both had) discussed the possibility of a relationship (together). Hmmm, I dunno, shall keep you posted.

9. Nintendo... Saw him the other day. He struck up conversation. I couldn't make out whether he was being polite or was sussing me out... Hopefully the former. Although, he (surprisingly) looked better than usual. Don't get me wrong, I delve deeper than looks, I dig a wicked personality... But, I am not overly fond of his. Or his humour, demeanor etc.

10. I am currently working 9-5 as an academic persuit. I am not getting paid for it and I really dislike most of the population of the store. They are rude, unsociable, unwelcoming and possess a slack work ethic. (Except for a couple I met... One is a GREAT worker. I really enjoy his company. He has a wife and 2 kids and thats hell cute.)... The manager that showed me and Paisley (who is also doing said persuit) around is the BIGGEST fairy I have ever met. He strutted around, little finger turned out, rings littered around just below his nuckles, he patted, PATTED, one of the female staff on the head. (I will call this girl "The Scowling Girl" because thats all the bitch did.) He is also balding with an awkward blond faux hawke with brown regrowth, some form of ethnic background. (Taking the time now to say, I am not against people of different races, religions, beliefs of genders, I am simply giving further description so as you can gather an idea of his complexsion, hair density etc.) I shall name said manager "BossFairy", because he, well, is.

I said to Paisley (after observing the PAID staff) "Um, we are walking around, doing all their work, for free, while they stand around."

11. A couple I knew has broken up... I loved these two people together. We only knew each other as "Your the couple who has odd food combinations" and "Your the boy that works at that Asian Joint", but, alas, they became my favourite customers, and I their favourite worker... I saw them at a gallery opening together... They looked so beautiful, happy and proud. Anyway, today, I saw her. And we spoke, after all this time (Like, literally, a year) and they had broken up... I was sad for them. (Sucker for love... Say it, I dare ya!)

12. I have started a new job. It is to do with the catering business. Mainly, wait for it... Weddings! (Salt into all wounds!!!!!!!!)

13. I have found bruises up my arms and legs and are unsure of their origions... Updates to follow after further research.

14. I think some sex would be really good right now.

15. I am currently reading "Sam in the City. Modern Love: How the Blog Generation do it!" She is like Australia's Carrie Bradshaw. I am loving the book, and I am sure if you rooted around, you could find her blog. Samantha Brett her name is... Do your worst kids.

I will try to update sooner next time, until then... W, x.

Last blog was a while back. I do have updates, but am to angry to write them all at the moment. Shalln't be long!

W. x.

Untitled Ramble 2.

I wrote this the week before I started this blog I think.

Apart.
Away.
Not mine.
Torn.
Two souls,
Neither mine.
Split.
Not mine.
I hate you.
I love you.
You love me?
You hate me?
We hate each other?
We love each other.

An empty heart,
An epic ruin.

A split.
A break.
Broken.

Can't you see me?
The Difference?
The End?

I'm gone.
Empty.
Confused.
I've left.
Come with me?
Lets run, lets hide.
Lets take on the world,
before I die.

Have some updates... But am quite tired... Remind me to tell you about Gymbo.

x

MASSIVE UPDATE!!!

Talking to these two blokes right, we'll call them D&P.

They're in a realationship... Want a threesome, thats where I come in.

I decided to meet them tonight, just to meet and get to know each other. I asked my friend Beatrice what she thought, she liked the idea... So I went to my best friend Paisley's house to tell her all about it. She encouraged it.

I went to meet them... and this is my conversation with Beatrice about it:


W... says:
I recommend it to anyone

Beatrice. says:
: DID YOU DO IT ALREADY

W... says:
we didnt fuck

W... says:
We went and sat down and talked for aaages

W... says:
then i got them to hook up

W... says:
then i hooked up with one

W... says:
and we were all like feeling each other up and hooking up

Beatrice. says:
oooooh

W... says:
then i sucked ones dick for a bit

Beatrice. says:
:

W... says:
and he then sucked mine

Beatrice. says:
: :

W... says:
then i hooked up with the other for a bit

W... says:
and then the other sucked my dick while i was hooking up with the first one to suck me

Beatrice. says:
oh my god Whateverman!!

W... says:
then i am like "I have to start heading home"

W... says:
we were all like feeling each other up and they were kissing

W... says:
then we all got up and did up out pants

Beatrice. says:
haha

W... says:
and i went to the one that didnt get his dick out and started like full hooking up and kissing him and he started getting hard

Beatrice. says:
oh geez

W... says:
and then we decided to go... and the younger one (first cock sucker) liked watching us

W... says:
it was so hot and I cannot wait to do more.

Beatrice. says:
oh my god

Beatrice. says:
So are you going to fuck them?

W... says:
Fuck yes.

W... says:
Amazing.

W... says:
They gave the best head I have EVER recieved.

Beatrice. says:
hahaha oh man

W... says:
And I have gotten ALOT of head.

Beatrice. says:
hhahahaha




I cannot wait to experience what will become the next update in this saga!!!
Note to self - Must hone in kissing skills, these guys kiss like maniacs... HUUGGE mouths!

Till next time, xox.

Haha, How Awkward.

So last night, in a drunken sleep... I had a brief sex dream about my best mate... fair enough, thats all good, we mildly flirt with each other and lounge gayly (strictly platonically) all over each other anyway, so thats not weird.

But the distubing thing is, that during a nap before I went out today, I had another sex dream about "Nintendo", a guy who well, repulses me.. He has attractive qualities, but he is vulgar... not like swearing and shit like I do, I can put up with that... But like the content of things thats comes from his mouth... it just erks me... sort of like how I cannot stand ANY colloquial terms for a toilet.

Anyway, I went out, and Nintendo was there... and he kept looking at me and it was gross and awkward.

Will keep you posted on any development.

Update on ER - He is a confused, mixed messages sending boy. I don't think I will communicate with him anymore.

Paddling HOT Water.

Landed myself in the shit today because I cannot keep my mouth shut!
Long story short, teacher said shit, I said shit, we had a discussiony argument... She went and cried about it... Usually I really like this woman, but in this specific situation, I believe she is in the wrong and should suck-it-the-fuck-up. I am a person who openly admits to being wrong if I am genuinely wrong, at one point during the discussion, she did point something valid out, and I graciously, openly said I was wrong... Anyway, after that settled, we did our shit pleasantly, and as I was leaving I said "See you later." No reply... Bitch, shouldn't you be the adult in this situation?

Then, she went and bitched/cried/questioned about me in the staff room for half an hour till the head teacher came and pointed her chubby finger at me and angrily took me into a room. PS, she was tipped off as to my where abouts by another teacher I'm close with, I once thought we were allies in the fight against the neurotic head teacher... By the way, I wasn't hiding, I was just sitting in an irregular spot, due to the wonderfully public argument that was unfolding between the principal and a particularly vulgar mouthed student.

Anyway, in said room, she went on about how I'm this and that... and then said something along the lines of "Yes, I do think you suffer from rage blackouts, then you calm down and go into sarcastic mode."

Ok, enough of that, I have a Smiley update:
Via Texts: He is 'S' and I am 'W', for obvious reasons.

• W: Hey Smiley, how are you?
• S: Hey im good man u?
• W: Well thanks. Whats happenin?
• S: Just heading to work
• W: Poor darling. How's things been? How's StarWars, I've been thinking about having a marathon of it, to catch up.

I will take now to mention he is a big fan of StarWars and was dissappointed that I had not seen them all.

• S: Lol r u now?
• W: Yes. Wanna join me nerdy? Lol.
• S: I'm afraid im working
• W: Not tonight. Hm, the weekend after next probably.
• S: Well not sure man im quite busy
• W: Ok, Tevs.
• S: What the does tevs mean?
• W: It means Whatever. If you don't wanna see each ther again, just say it aye, Lol.

No reply yet... But he is at work. Will update if anything further comes up.

Oh, I also ended up messaging ER the other day, again we were both busy when things suited the other. Then last night I believe, I messaged him saying "What are you doing tomorrow night (Friday) or Saturday night?" Just got a reply: "Tonight gym saturday night ... Sleep... Alot....". I wrote back with a ":( ok." No reply yet, but, its early days.

Futher news, have met a new guy, shares a love of wine and theatre... (Not necissarily in that order), he is just out of the age bracket I usually aim for, but I am willing to make exceptions for someone I genuinelly get along with... Aren't we all? I will call him PP.

Will let you know how it goes.

Have a good weekend.

x.

Remember.

I wrote this about a week and a half after T came to visit me for the last time... Thought I would put it up for a read.

I don't remember. I don't remember.
Feeling like this.
I don't remember feeling like this.
So fucked over.
So distraught.
So hating someone, but loving them inexplicably.

I don't remember the unsettled feeling.
The sick in the gut.
The pressure.
The angst.
The afraid of the unknown.

I don't remember crawling into my bed, crying my eyes out and being too exausted and embarrassed to see anyone.

I don't remember being so out of it.
I don't remember when my heart was last in shreads.
I don't remember hating myself for the decisions I've made
I don't remember hating someone, when it's my fault they're angry.
I don't remember the last time i didn't have a plan.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
The last time I was this lost.

But;
I know.
I know what you did.
Why you did it.
And: How it killed me.

I know, I know, I know I don't want to be like this.
I know I don't want to know.
I know I don't want to stop.
I know I don't want to sleep,
eat,
love,
fuck,
share,
live,
die,
hate,
care,
lie,
wonder,
accuse,
drink,
be here.

I know I don't want to feel this way,
I know we're unlogical,
unsuited,
unready.

I know it would be unrealistic to have you again.
But, I know, I can't help wanting you still.




From reading that now, it sounds as if it's from the perspective of someone who was the "breakupee", but I guess it's hard when you split for the best but there is still love present.

Weekend coming up, I feel delicious updates in my waters.

x.

Attention all ye' Masochists.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 5.20am convinced that T had just spent the night with NGF and slept with her multiple times.

So, unthinking, I pick up my phone.
I text:
"Hey. Just randomly woke up and got the feeling that you and NGF slept together last night... lol, did you?"

- Not an unreasonable question, its how friends are meant to act, right?

No reply for a few minutes...

I call him. - Gah, I am an idiot...
Phones off.

I text again:
"Actually... Don't reply to that... May my question 'Hey T, How you going?'"

I wait a few minutes... collect myself... tell myself its none of my business if T is sleeping with someone else, I met up with ER on Friday night and hooked up. So yeah...

Final text:
"Hey, actually, don't reply at all. Sorry, moment of weakness, I'll call you later in the week. Be safe."

He didn't write back.

I am currently fighting the urge to text him and tell him about how I just met up with Smiley (mentioned in last blog). But, I am going to continue to resist, because, if I do call, I will have to be like, "Yeah, it was good, how is NGF?" then he would say "Good" I assume... but then, Since I am such a masochist, I would have to naturally ask "Have you slept with her yet?" and the answer, being Yes would break me... and if the answer was No, I would just assume he was lying anyway, and he probably would be lying if I thought he was, cause he is a bad liar, so it would come out later down the line that he was lying (always caught him out) and that would just upset me more... And I am just getting to the point where I am almost properly over it... So, I can't fall back now.

So yes, anyway... Smiley came over thismorning, after lots of texts last night - gosh darn me and my phone. (Just recieved a text from him as I wrote that haha.)
I breifly showed him my room, then we went to a local shopping centre and bought some dvd's, then walked around for a while talking, then he drove me home, still talking quite deeply.

I replied to his text with:
"Goodo Smiley. I had a nice time today, I'd look forward to a chance to do it again. :)"
He wrote back with:
"Yeah it was fun, yeah mate, have fun today ttyl."

Ok, so back to ER, who I cannot remember why I have called ER. Oh, just remembered... ANYWAY! Texting him on Monday, we figured that we wouldn't be able to catch up for a few days... I was out and about with friends, so suggested I drop in... He was down, but half way there, I asked for his adress and he full backed off.. So I was disappointed... he just said "Next time, give me like an hrs notice..." I replied with "Mk." There has been no communication since.

I dunno, maybe I will text him now... I'll let you know what happens.

x.

Sooo.

In the style of "trying to move on", i hooked up with a guy on Friday night.

He came over, we went for a walk and talked for a while. A long while actually... It was enjoyable.

Eventually we started kissing, and mucking about further, however, we were condomless - safe sex kiddies, so, we stuck to head.

He had a forskin, I have had VERY minimal contact with forskins, not having one myself, or having done much with anyone who has one I was like "Uhh, so what do I do here?"

Just thought I would put that out there lol...

We have been talking and trying to meet up again for lunch or dinner of some discription... Dunno if it will happen. He will now be known as "ER".

Other prospects on the cards, a gentleman who lives about 25 minutes away, "Smiley". Nice bloke, dunno how far it will go, we're gonna do some form of lunch or something.
And,
"GG", who does Uni near me. He is a nice bloke, we have discussed a bit about the idea of a relationship... Will see him when he gets back from visiting his home town.

Hmmm, anyway, more "Poetry" to come.

Just be happy.

So, I have had every man and their dog lately telling me to just be happy.

But how can I be when I am broken?

I've come to the conclusion, that doing what I am doing, I am hurting T.

So, I have decided that I am going to let him be. Let him be happy with the person who has now won his affections.

A text from me to him:
I'm sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend. As Anything. I am jealous and upset that you are moving on so easily, whereas I just can't click with anyone. I am jealous of her, because she has won your affections. I am scared that I'll be hung up forever, that I'll never feel good again. I am worried that my parents are right, that I do have some form of problem. I am broken inside because I shouldn't have agreed that splitting was the best option. I love you T, more than anything on this universe. It hurts me ever second of every day to be without you. I held the blade to my veins today. I pushed it in, ready to slice. I only stopped because I though of how you would feel if I did it. I love you too much to even end my pain, to shut my head up. I am sorry things turned out how they have. I know we had a truce, and I don't understand why I fucked with that. T, you were right, there is something wrong with me. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much. Till the day I die, I'll love you.



I don't know why I am so hung up on him sometimes... Like I think, Gah! I broke up with him because of our differences.. Not to mention hiding R from me and the fights that occoured... And, I have now realised I was only an experiment to him to test his sexuality, he was never going to come out for me... And thats why now he is shacking up with a shiela and will never tell another soul about the relationship he had with the boy who was "his world." ... But, Yeah, I don't want him back, But why can't I move on!???!

Maybe I just want someone in general. But, on that note, I don't think I do... Gah! I don't know.

PS, have made a new pact with myself... Never get involved with Bi and or closeted men ever again!

Time for a beer?

Untitled Ramble

Rebuild.
Find.
It's gone.
Where did it go?

I have lost all of me.
Have you seen?
My shadow? My shoes?
Hidden from view.

Bring it back.
What has escaped me.
What has stolen itself.
What I let go.

I miss it.
Do you?
It is chilling.
Haunting. My bones.

I can feel this way.
Surprising?
Then you don't know me.
We've hidden from you too.

Once intertwining.
Two identities,
Broken,
Sepertated.

Gone.
I chased you.
I ran,
Opposite.

Again?
Where?
This was it.
Before the end.

Is this for the better?
Will I return?
Who knows?
Maybe we'll burn.

My First Post.

I am really just starting this thing as a place to publish the things I am writing.

I don't know who will read it, or why. Hopefully, if you relate on some level, it will be beneficial for you, if not, I hope you enjoy the read.

I suppose I should give you the back story to why I feel like this, and why these words are manefesting in my head and need to be expressed onto page.

Recently, (49 days ago - but who is counting) I broke up with my partner. (Male - Yes, I am gay.)

I loved him. He was my first love. Before I met him, I was strong willed, independant and gaurded. I rarely let people in, without a long settling in period.

When I met him, T. for names sake, I fell quickly. He was charming, attractive, modest, attentive. A lovely young man, and yes, the sex was amazing.

Throughout our relationship, we had so, so, so many fun times, scrambling to find common ground. He was not "out of the closet" and kept assuring me he would come out, it never happened, and after we split, I found that he never really thought he would. He had internet friends he had known since before he met me. I thought that was ok and healthy, until I found some of the things they had been sending him of late. Naturally, I flew off the handle and questioned him. One guy in particular he seemed great friends with, "R."... I, admittedly read T's email, and found emails from 06 or so (this is 08), telling of how much they loved each other etc. T assured me this was because he didn't want to let R down and this is why he reciprocated... This was all while he was with his ex girlfriend M.

-Sorry, just as a side note, this is the first place I have ever expressed the above. I have not even told my best friends etc.

Anyway, T. then told me he would always tell me when these gentlemen contacted him and that he was with me and hid all this from me so I didn't crack a shit fit like I did, because he really wanted it to work. Knowing T on the level I do, I believed him, and I am pretty sure I still do. T had never met any of these people in person. Eventually, one night, T and I were at a party when R called and messaged. T being drunkish, gave me his phone, and I politely (More politely then T's alleged request) to please go away, the following night, completely sober, T and I called R - after R leaving 27 missed calls and 3 messages, we together asked him to leave T alone, because T was happy with me, loved me and didn't appreciate the things R was sending. Good, fair enough. End.

I had a friend, 'L', we had known each other for a while, clicked, but never met or spoken on the phone, flirted briefly once, but settled to be just friends and that seemed great, I stop speaking to him, so as not to seem Hypocritical to T. That sounds so childish I know, but, it is what worked for us.

One day due to a mistake, we did have a bit of a bust up. I ended up in tears yelling and then telling him that I was planning on ending our relationship the previous day, but didn't because had seemed to lift his game, and he cried. He cried because he wanted me and loved me so much. If you knew T, you would know what a big thing this is... 6ft, broad shoulders, very manly, occupation in Law enforcement.

Anyway, eventually, after a few more squabbles and petty fights, I realised that, even though T and I loved each other so, it was just breaking us apart because of the differences we had. As I said, we had lots of fun, but there was still things we both wanted etc that the other didn't. So, I decided to end our relationship so as I would still be able to salvage a friendship. He agreed with me.

About 2 weeks later, he came to visit me, to talk things over again. We still loved each other, and always would (So he said, but he hasn't really shown it of late), we talked it over, he admitted to me that he wasn't sure if he was still gay, didn't know what he wanted etc. 2 days later he left. Assuring me he would still visit... Hasn't visited since.

Since talking things over, we have spoken alot on the phone etc, most times I am reduced to tears.

I still love him, so much, I am trying to move on. I am trying to meet other people. He has made some new friends, one male and one female in his town (where he lives alone for work and previously knew no one in the town)... He mentioned the woman he has met has tried flirting with him a bit, but he is unsure what he will do, because he doesn't want a relationship, and is unsure about other stuff.

This has sent me down in the dumps a bit again... I wish I could just move on, but it is so difficult. I don't know why.

Is it always this difficult to move on from the first person you loved?

Sometimes to help me express myself, I write things. Just write things down, quite often they just come to me out of thin air and I need to write them down.

I love my friends so much, but at times, it is hard to tell them things like this because, it does upset me and I suppose, embarrass me a little to express things like this. So, I thought I would write it down here, even if no one reads it, its good for me to get it off my chest.

So, from time to time, you will get a rant about T, about school, about friends, aquaintances or things I have written.

Till next time,
W. x.